Where in the Hell Have I Been? IN HELL, YOU ASSHOLES!!!

Super Tuesday can take a lot out of you. After that fateful night, I awoke in the middle of a field filled with corn stubble, with my pants at my ankles and an overpowering smell of Pine-Sol and feces in the air.

I have since recovered, and hope to cover the Texas and Ohio primaries as well as my traumatized brain will allow. Let’s recap right quick.

• Obama is leading by 157 delegates.
• Clinton has been doing some serious bitching.
• McCain has clenched the republican nomination.
• Romney dropped out like the puss that he is. Nominated for Most Mormon and Best Loser Stiffie awards.
• Huckabee’s still truckin’, with only Jebus and fried squirrel keeping him alive.
• RALPH NADER’S GONNA FUCK IT UP AGAIN.

Now back to the current. In Texas, my home state, The Hillster and Obama are neck-and-neck in the polls. Now I just can’t wait till it’s all over. Now I know how Iowa felt. Damn.

YOU Think About It 2008: Supa Tuesday Throwdown

Well, here it is. The day voters have been dreading and politicians have been masturbating about. Super Tuesday.

The polls say Clinton, hope says Obama, big business says Romney, war-mongers say McCain, and Jebus says Huckabee, but no matter what any of them say, the voters will have to decide. I’m really not liking this “responsibility” and “the fate of our democracy is in our hands stuff.” Do they accept returns at the suffrage store?

Now we all know what Super Tuesday means. We get to see a beta test of all of the major networks’ election night graphics packages and set pieces. At least that will be exciting.

More to come tonight…

YTAI’08 PrimaryWatch: Florida

America’s penis has spoken, and John McCain has been projected to win. Romney is currently in second, with Giuliani in third and Paul in fourth. Some deadpool members have even raked in votes with senile jews and inebriated Cubans. Fred Thompson has a whopping 1% of the vote, and Duncan Hunter has about 2,000 votes.

And now… the Spyglass Report’s first ever LIVEBLOG! I’m currently typing during Rudy’s concession speech, and all times are central time.

8:31 – Education is the topic. He just got off of a rant about how big of a party the Republicans are.

8:32 – Religion, Race, Politics, oh my!

8:33 – MSNBC just cut to Romney’s speech in mid-sentence. Of course we know what he’s gonna say. Olympics shit, childhood, dreams, unicorns… I’m now chan ging the channel.

8:36 – Everybody’s on Romney now. Oh well, Rudy’s probably dropping out as I type. I’ll get the ‘pool ready.

Stay tuned for more…

Finishing Up: Dubya’s Last SOTU

It’s done. George Bush’s final State of the Union before being replaced by Elizabeth Kucinich as president.

It was the usual SOTU. The Union is strong, blah blah…immigration, earmarks, education, pwnage in Iraq, how bitchin’ ‘Merica is, blah blah…and a demand for less “jump medical lawsuits.” Guess he skipped his Hooked on Phonics session with Laura today.

For a minute-by-minute summary of the evenings snorefest, the great folks at Wonkette have you covered.

South Carolina Poll Roundup

Here we are. A day before the South Carolina primaries. Not much has happened since Nevada, besides the bloodthirsty swings thrown by Obama and Clinton, as well as the eerie calmness of the GOP gang. Has any of the new tactics swayed voters? Let’s take a look.

• South Carolina (D): Obama 44%, Clinton 24%, Edwards 19% [PPP]
• Florida (R): McCain 31%, Romney 26%, Huckabee 15% [ARG]
• Florida (D): Clinton 47%, Obama 30%, Edwards 12% [SurveyUSA]

If Florida had delegates this time around, Clinton could easily nab the lead. But the Land where Cubans go to live and Jews go to die has once again proven their bitchiness, so no delegates for them. If Clinton somehow gets a win in South Carolina, she could also break Obamamania. She’s probably not gonna do that though. Boy oh boy!

YTAI’08 Deadpool: Dennis Kucinich

They’re dropping like flies, and the littlest fly has finally decided to turn it’s belly. Our good little friend Dennis Kucinich will be expected to make a formal announcement tomorrow that he will be dropping out of the 2008 election, presumably to have more crazy, rabid, sweaty elfin-on-giantess lovemaking. He’s also stated that he will not endorse another candidate. So take that, asshats! He’s nominated for the Best Loser Stiffie, since even though he had his ass handed to him on multiple occasions, he still had a small, yet loyal, following. We’ll dearly miss you, Elizabeth Dennis! [MSNBC]

WTF Moment: Ledger’s Masseuse Calls Olsen Twin

According to this Times article, someone is a very stupid person indeed.

Just after discovering actor Heath Ledger’s body in his bedroom, the masseuse promptly picked up the phone and called…Mary-Kate Olsen.

Since Mary-Kate was apparently a friend of Ledger, the masseuse’s first reaction was of course to call the useless old child star for guidance on the matter. Maybe she didn’t know the numbers for 911. After making this crucial phone call, not once, but twice, she then called authorities. Olsen told the housekeeper during one of these calls that she would call some “private security people” she knew. Yeah, great, Mary-Kate. The dude is dead. Do you really think a bodyguard is going to help anything. Jesus, Ashley would never say stupid shit like that. I always liked Ashley better…

YTAI’08 Deadpool: Fred Thompson

It’s official. Fred “DUN DUN” Thompson has ended this episode in his political life. He dropped out of the race today. I really don’t have much to say about this semi-non-candidate, but I just hope he gets his ass back on Law & Order, because I’m having severe McCoy withdrawals since he become D.A. Who thought of making him D.A., anyway? Stupid NBC…

Anyway, Thompson is nominated for the best fringe candidate Stiffie.

YTAI’08 Deadpool: Duncan Hunter

We now mourn yet another campaign death in the 2008 election. Duncan Hunter, the candidate that everyone loved to not know about, has decided to drop out of the race. His excuse wasn’t some pussy “I’m outta money!” or “I want to spend time with family.” crap. It was honest. He pretty much said that his campaign sux teh haX0r and it’s not worth it anymore. He’s nominated for the shittiest website Stiffie.

Nevada Thinks About It ‘08: Romney & Clinton Win

The results are in for Nevada, and the victors are now obvious. Hillary Clinton has taken the What Happens Here Stays Here State, with Barry trailing by 5%, and Edwards far, far behind in third.

On the GOP side, Mitt Romney finally takes the friggin’ gold, so now he can celebrate like the Special Olympian that he is. In second, we have…what? You have to be shittin’ me! It’s…it’s…

OMFG IT’S RON PAUL !!!!!11!

Yes, brothers, the savior of our democracy has proven victorious…in a second place, first loser kind of way. But still!! Liberty is ours for the taking!!! OMG I’ve gotz to call all of my patriot friends and have a sign wave in front of the Safeway!

Ahem, anyway, the Paultards are probably jumping for joy in Second Life, since they now get to make a bigger shitting furry Libertyfreedomman blimp. Zippity doo dah!

The returns for South Carolina are about to come down the pipeline, so click refresh a couple hundred times and it’ll be here eventually. Get your kids to do it, if you must.